There ought to be a few guarantees

Ray Ratto
Saturday, September 3, 2005
Steve Mooshagian has nothing to lose, so he is showing his hand right away.
The Sacramento State coach, coming off back-to-back losing seasons and preparing to open the new season against Cal, has laid out your basic money- back guarantee. Like us, or your money back.
Now who can complain about that?
As quoted by the Sacramento Bee, Mooshagian said, "If someone bought a season-ticket package and at the end of the year said nothing positive about it, bring it back in here and I'll write them a check and give them their money back."
Granted, Mooshagian has a low bar to clear here. He took a roadkill-flat program, is 5-17 after his first two years, and is so eager to please that he might bring coffee and doughnuts every Saturday.
But this is a grand idea, no matter the circumstances of the person making the proposal, and as we enter the 124th year of college football on these desolate shores, the money-back guarantee is the idea whose time clearly has come.
Especially if the schools can tailor their guarantees to their particular requirements. As an example, let's talk about Cal.
The Golden Bears have all they could want, except maybe one more year of Aaron Rodgers and J.J. Arrington. They've won, their coach is being worshiped in that Billy Beane sort of way and they are the only team to make USC all blotchy and nervous two years running. So, what should the Bears guarantee?
The Earthquake Safety Guarantee: If Memorial Stadium collapses, you get your money back.
The Bad Bowl Game Guarantee: If the Bears go to a bowl game held before Christmas Day, you get your money back.
The Coach's Shades Guarantee: If Jeff Tedford ever forgets to wear those sunglasses that make him look like a Secret Service agent with diverticulitis, you get your money back.
The Wide Body Guarantee: If any of the offensive linemen gets his weight less than 280, you get your money back. That, and the linemen might move a little quicker.
The Marshawn Lynch Golden Parachute Guarantee: If the running back turns pro in the spring, you get next year's money back.
-- Or Stanford, in bad need of a makeover after the Buddy Era.
The Draft Day Guarantee: If the Cardinal have six players drafted after winning only four games as they did last year, you get your money back.
The Seat Selection Guarantee: If your seats in the new stadium are worse than the ones you have now, you get your money back.
Held in Conjunction With the Home Depot Guarantee: If the slivers removed from your behind after a home game could make a spice rack, you get your money back.
The Walt Harris Take a Deep Breath Guarantee: If you ever catch the Stanford coach looking or acting relaxed, you get your money back.
The Big Game Guarantee: If the Cardinal lose this Big Game by a wider margin than the average of the previous three (23.3 points, to save you the trouble), you get your money back.
The What the Hell Do You Think You Deserve Guarantee: If the Cardinal finish 6-5 or better, don't even try it.
-- Or San Jose State, up to its eyelids in trouble, but trying anyway:
The He Looks Like My Uncle Phil Guarantee: If coach Dick Tomey ever fails to look like a relative you see at Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Labor Day picnic, you get your money back.
Beyond that, though, there is almost nothing for the Spartans to promise, because they need your money as badly as you do. They don't just flirt with athletic-department bankruptcy, they're pregnant with it. The school president has vowed to keep the football program going come hell or bottled water, but Tomey comes to a program that is almost out of the strength to tread water.
On the other hand, he did come to San Jose State when he could have put his feet up and enjoyed retirement, and he has a history of making poor programs passable. True, the Spartans are light years from either Boise State or Fresno State, but they are in a new, more geographically rational WAC, with Idaho, New Mexico State and Utah State coming from the Sun Belt, and Hawaii, Louisiana Tech and Nevada in rebuilding mode. At this point, given that the Spartans have won more than four games only twice in the last 12 years, middle- of-the-pack seems actually do-able.
In other words:
The How Down Is Down Guarantee: If they win fewer games than last year's two, or give up more points than last year's 42 per game, you absolutely, positively get your money back.
After all, there should be some standards, right?